Stuck in a Cocoon
Dear twenty-something,
The last few months have certainly not been the highlight of my life. Things have not been bad, but there has been a dullness that drives me a bit mad. I love routine and order, don’t get me wrong, but the lack of purpose or something to look forward to can take my brain to a pretty rough place.
For most of my life up until now, there has always been a clear “next big step” — moving up a grade, starting at a new school, moving to a new city. But currently, I am in limbo land — no full-time job, no full-time school, no higher purpose to fulfill. I’m aware that this may sound like a dream, and despite the tone of this post, I am so grateful to be in a position where I can even have a period like this without facing financial ruin. Still, I’ve come to realize that humans need purpose and direction. Our minds are too messy and too loud to tolerate complete stillness (unless you’re a monk, but I am definitely no monk).
Since January, I’ve woken up every day questioning my purpose, worrying if I’m wasting my one single life on this Earth, and wondering whether I should be further along than I am. A lot of heavy thoughts to have before I have even had a drop of my morning cup of coffee.
I keep comparing myself to everyone else – people are getting full-time, high-paid jobs, getting married (HOW is that even real?), doing amazing things, finding passions, hanging out with their millions of friends, the list goes on. Meanwhile, I have spent the last three months mostly hanging out with my boyfriend, going to the gym, making almost no money doing freelance work online, and then spending all that money on overpriced matcha. I can’t help but feel like I am doing it wrong, that anyone else would do more with their time. Life moves fast, shouldn’t I spend each and every moment doing something, seizing the day, frolicking around foaming at the mouth because I am just so happy to be alive?
I have always felt guilty for who I am, I always feel like I should be better or do more. I have also been cursed with viewing life through a constant lens of existential awareness. The last few months have been extra hard because of that. I keep feeling like I am not making the most of my life, that time is fleeting, and that literally every single moment in history, from the Big Bang to the rise and fall of great empires, has led to this exact moment of me sitting in a quiet library typing these words. And yet, I choose to spend my time in such trivial ways.
If it hasn’t been made clear enough, I’ll say it explicitly, all this time to think has caused my anxiety to flare up like it never has before. To be candid, it is because of this that I was recently reunited with my old friend, Miss SSRI (I feel like she would be a girl, some sort of Lana Del Rey-esque persona crying on the sofa while her boyfriend rides away on a motorcycle or something). She has not been as helpful as I had hoped but has at least helped take the edge off a bit.
Anywho, the anxiety flare-up has caused me to question every aspect of my life: am I a good enough friend/daughter/sister/girlfriend/student/member of society/stranger you meet on the street/etc…Can you tell I am an over-thinker? I am constantly worried about my own inadequacy, the purpose of anything and everything, and how the hell time can simultaneously move so fast and so slow. I don’t want to wake up one day, thirty years from now, realizing I completely shit the bed (metaphorically… but also literally too, I guess).
As monotonous as the last few months have felt, I do think they have been essential for my growth. Hence, what I will now refer to as my cocoon era – right now, I am stuck sitting still, but one day, because of this pause, I will be ready for the next chapter of my life.
Due to all this time, I have become much more sure about what I want. I have been able to plan the next steps in my life and have turned the future into something I cannot wait for rather than something I am constantly afraid of. I decided to use this time to visit with old friends, new friends, far-away family, plan my backpacking trip, practice job interviews (and land a role I am excited about!). Even though I feel stuck right now, I know that some of the best times of my life are up right ahead.
There are a lot of beautiful, amazing things happening in my life right now, but there is also a lot of anxiety and unknown. Both are true at the same time, and that is okay. Rome wasn’t built in a day, good things take time, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and all that crap… This is the part of my life meant for growing, learning, making mistakes, and figuring shit out.
While my little life here on Planet Earth is not quite Rome, I do think I deserve to give myself some grace.
With love,
23